S C H A D E N F R E U D E

brettdavis:

OKCupid User: JustinAndPhilo
25 / M / Straight / Single
Lafayette, New Jersey

My Self Summary

My name is Justin—AND I’M PHILO. Philo, please, I’m trying to introduce ourselves. I am a 24 year-old ventriloquist from New Jersey—YEAH, THE GARBAGE STATE! Philo, come on now! We grew up on a farm in a very rural area, but we tour all over! I’m looking to meet some fun women in the area—NO FAT CHICKS! Philo!

What I’m doing with my life

We tour all around the east coast traveling to schools, day care centers, church functions, corporate events, comedy nights and birthday parties—DON’T TRUST HIM AROUND KIDS! Philo, please, you’re making me look bad! Anyway…we just love entertaining people, but our work schedule doesn’t allow for much social time, so we’re looking to meet new people!

I’m really good at

We love to make people laugh. It gives us purpose. I’m also a black belt in karate! HA! THE ONLY FIGHTING THIS GUY DOES IS HAND TO GLAND COMBAT! Philo, will you stop!?

The first things people usually notice about me

Well, when I don’t have this little guy with me, it would have to be my eyes. YEA, THE SECURITY ALWAYS SEEMS TO NOTICE YOUR SHIFTY LITTLE EYES OUTSIDE OF DA DISNEY STORE—Philo! 

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food

As far as movies, we love a good tearjerker. THAT’S WHEN JUSTIN PUTS ON MATILDA AND CRIES WHILE HE—Philo, stop! 

Our favorite shows are Mythhbusters, Scrubs, Ghost Hunters, How I Met Your Mother, The Big Bang Theory, Cake Boss, and America’s Got Talent. 

Our favorite bands are The Beatles, Dave Matthews, U2, Coldplay, Kings of Leon, Bob Marley, Jack Johnson, Tom Petty and Bruce Springsteen.

I’m a big breakfast guy. Start the day with some bacon and eggs and I’m a happy camper. YA KNOW WHO WASN’T A HAPPY CAMPER? THAT LITTLE GIRL AT—Philo, what in the world are you talking about? I’m really sorry about my friend here. I think he’s trying to sabotage my chances at meeting someone on this site!

The six things I could never do without
1). eBay
2). The New York Yankees
3). hunting rifle
4). crossword puzzles
5). Dunkin’ Donuts coffee
6). Angry Birds

HOW COME YA DIDN’T MENTION THAT WEIRD LEATHER BELT YA USE TO CHOKE YOURSELF WHEN YA—Philo! Hey, that’s not true. He’s just kidding. You better shut that big wooden mouth of yours, or I’ll shut it for you!

On a typical Friday night I am

I like to stay at home and enjoy a good movie, but Philo likes to go out and party all night. So, I’m willing to do either. WILLING? JESUS CHRIST, JUSTIN, YOU’D SOUND LESS DESPERATE IF YOU WERE BURIED ALIVE AND SCREAMING FOR HELP, YOU FUCKING LOSER. Philo. I’m putting you back in the box!

The most private thing I’m willing to admit

Despite my little comedy act up there, I am really looking to meet someone new. I got out of a long-term relationship about three years ago, and I’ve been hesitant to jump out into the dating world, but I think there’s the perfect girl for us out there, and maybe it could be you.

I’m looking for
• Girls who like guys
• Ages 19-30
• Near me
• For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, activity partners, long-distance penpals

You should message me if
You would like to meet a smart, funny, and romantic guy with an unusual hobby, and a lot of love to share.

These are the people I live with.

SERIOUSLY!!!

HIPSTERCAT!!!

(Source: losemylife0rlosemylove)

D’awwwww!

There actually wasn’t much Mystery to that machine. Also I always wanted to eat Shaggys sandwiches and spent most of my youth listening to Casey Casem’s American Top 40.

winstonelliott:

LOOK WHO I FOUND!!!

Miss y’all bitchez

(Source: belligerentfggt)

DO WANT.

Queen Amidala of Naboo

Being cool.